How I got here and who I am

At a certain age we all begin to wonder who we really are. I remember the first time I found myself alone, lost and completely forgotten. My best friends had decided I was no longer best friend material and my cousins who I was closer to then the sun is to the moon were sent away to some ranch thing to improve their behavior, which I agree was out of hand. I got scared before anything else; I had no idea how to be alone. I had lived my entire life surrounded by these people who were now taken away from me with no warning. My best friends since first grade deciding to ignore me for no reason left me questioning who I was and if the person people saw me as was really worth being. And with my cousins gone I had nobody to talk to about this dilemma. So I found comfort in the girl who I rode the bus with. She found comfort in escaping. The first day I skipped school with her was also her first time skipping school, it was a new way for us to escape our problems and avoid our fears. We walked to target, the streets still iced over from the week before and it was really cold outside. I took a big red blanket and a book called ‘looking for Alaska’  We walked to her house and fell asleep on the couch after eating every little snack we could find in her pantry which wasn’t much. That day I came home and laying on my bed was a suitcase. My dad gave me the choice, Him or my mom. I couldn’t stay home. I had too many memories and fears built up around me. I left with my dad. When we got to my aunts I went upstairs and cried into my new red blanket. I cried because I wanted to go home. I cried because I wanted to talk to my friends. I cried because I wanted to see my cousins.

It took a few days for me to calm down and to let my parents’ problems fade in with my own. I started reading my book and I had never felt so understood. I kept skipping school and I kept collecting from target. Every night I would go to my aunts and lay under my big red blanket and my problems would become somebody else’s because I felt safe with Alaska and with my blanket and the comforting memory that the girl who rode my bus would always be there for me. After staying at my aunts for four months I was told we were going home so my parents could work it out. I was forced to move somewhere and here I had become comfortable and I began to feel safe again. but now I had to go back home and live under the roof which collapsed with fear and abandonment. I couldn’t understand it anymore; I didn’t want to be here. So I swallowed 52 aspirin hoping to fall asleep and wake up on a cloud without my family and everybody else that made me feel worse than I already did. But instead I felt crazy and more alone by the minute so I went to the girl who rode my bus’s house and she told me I had to stay, she made me realize I couldn’t leave because I still had meaning whether I was afraid or not. So Instead of waking up on a cloud without my family I woke up on a hospital bed surrounded by nurses asking how much I took and if I knew where I was. I had never in my life been more afraid.

Four months later I had a new best friend. One of my cousins had come home and we all kept up hope that the other one would come home soon. Never in my life had I been so grateful to be told I had meaning and to finally recognize this meaning. I’m not allowed to talk to the girl who rode my bus anymore. Truth be told I never felt more important than when I was with her. I’m glad now that I woke up on the hospital bed. And that I told the girl who rode my bus that I took the aspirin. Because now I can forgive all of my friends who ignored me whether we are friends again or not. And now I can see my cousins when they come back. We are all meaningful and important and we all have a girl who rides our bus and we all have friends that will drop us and we all have cousins who disappear and we all have new best friends who mean more to us then the sun does to the moon, and we all have four more months. So don’t give up, don’t forget who you are and where you stand because one day all of this will matter and every choice you make is one more step closer to your next four months. Tonight Ill fall asleep after reading ‘looking for Alaska’ again for the sixth time under my big red blanket and wake up with a smile and hope that these next four months will only be another step towards becoming me.

4 thoughts on “How I got here and who I am

  1. Your story is extremely inspiring and I’m so happy that you’ve been able to have hope despite what you’ve gone through! Keep writing you never know how your words can help someone else (:

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for your kind words, but honestly I’m the same as you: hoping to express myself as honestly as possible (:

        Like

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