Sometimes I forget words have real meanings. To think one word could describe an entire reality. My innocence lasted so long but felt so short. Because knowing I had lost it but trying so hard to prove to everybody that it was still there made the whole process feel pretty rotten.
I still have these memories, these blurry images of being a little kid. Of walking to the convenience store, dreaming of parties, and driving, and growing up. In my English class we have been talking about coming of age stories and expiernces. This has got me thinking what my coming of age story is. I strained my mind for days running through memories looking at old pictures, texts, and posts. Until I remembered, my coming of age summed up in one word is; loss
It was the loss of the two most important people in my life, and no not the loss of their physical character but the mental loss that they had changed and were gone and I had to move on. Alone. It was the loss of the few friends I had and cared for. but most of all it was the loss of myself, both mentally and physically. I had my first kiss a few weeks before these two very big losses and people would argue that was the end of my innocence, but it wasn’t. If anything that made me more little and innocent than playing with dolls.
It was not skipping school. Stealing. Or crying. It wasn’t moving. Or hurting. It wasn’t the book I read. It was simply me. It was the loss of me and the person I was. That’s how I saw it back then; as I had lost myself, but I now realize I had only found the real me hidden behind drab clothes, boy bands, and a few too many fears.
So it’s funny people say you lose yourself when you lose your innocence, because I am in the least bit innocent, but never in my life have I felt more like myself than I do now.