“… And you need to know that you were wrong, that people are medicine, but not the kind that cure your sickness. The kind that is dangerous, that messes with your brain and makes you forget where you are. You were my medicine, and you were the best high I’ve ever had.” -Zoie
Today one of my closest friends gave me a letter, a goodbye letter. But I’m not ready for a goodbye letter. I’m not ready to say goodbye and to hug her one last time. Not ready to watch her walk out the school door one last time. When she first told me that if she got in anymore trouble she was moving to Oklahoma, I cried. Knowing there was no way me and her were going to stay out of trouble. But I still hugged her and wiped my tears and promised her she wasn’t moving. And I’m sorry zoie, I’m sorry for lying.
I’ve always been really bad at goodbyes. Never knowing what to say but always wanting to say something leaves me in a trance of words and incomplete sentences broken up by sobs. I remember the first time I met zoie at a practice for colorgaurd. Everybody was going to lunch and not yet knowing anybody I was too scared to go into the cafeteria with all the other girls and kids in summer school. I started walking towards the back door hoping to find somewhere I could sit alone and listen to music, when a perky blonde jumped in front of me inviting herself on my one man adventure. Ever since then me and zoie have been inseparable. We skip lunch together, we skip practice together and we skip class together. It’s kind of become our thing.
I had gotten used to being alone until zoie came into my life. To imagine in a week I will have to go back to doing stupid stuff alone scares me. A lot of things scare me. I wish I could go back to that day and hug zoie a little tighter when I found her crying in the locker room, I wish I would have walked her to class myself and came up with a better excuse than the one she gave her teacher. But I’m not truly going to appreciate her friendship until I’m walking the halls alone with both ear buds in my own ears and nobody to share the beat with. But it’s okay because I’ll find a new way to escape my problems and so will she. We always do. Right now I’m still trying to convince myself her good bye letter was just an introduction to our new lives, because if what she said was true. If I really was her best high then I must be addictive and she won’t be able to leave me. For now, believing that will get me through the day.