What if okai wasn’t okai

Days, weeks, months, years. Maybe, do I even remember years am I old enough to remember years. No, I remember last year. I don’t remember last week. I remember falling asleep upside down on the small couch outside the room where I had a bed all by myself but was to afraid to sleep in a room. I remember laying there upstairs with the whole house to myself but not wanting to move, not having the energy. I remember thinking maybe if I dye my hair he will pay more attention to me. Maybe if I lie she will think I’m cool. Eventually the dye became permanent and the lie became a truth I still hide.

I think I’m okai. I think I’m better. and don’t ask me if that’s enough because I’m still not sure. I’m still thinking. I think I love you. I think your helping me. Just please don’t leave. I’m sorry I’m still scared. I know its in the past. I know I’m not in the hospital anymore. But during class my phone still vibrates every Thursday at 1:50 pm to remind me to get ready for my counseling appointment. And I still have my room mates name tag taped on the wall above my bed and I know you told me to take it down and to turn off the alarm. But even if I did I promise at 1:50 pm I would still feel the vibration of my phone and at 3am when I can’t sleep I will still see the name tag taped up even though I know its buried deep in the trash along with every memory you ever left me with.

So I guess you could say I’m okai. Because last week I didn’t come back from the hospital and tape up my room mates name tag and today during class I didn’t set an alarm to remind me I had a counseling appointment. But sometimes I still think what if, What if in a week it all comes crashing down again just like it did exactly a year ago? and I wont act like I forgot what you would tell me late at night when what if crept up on my happy thoughts leaving me with a sleep less night and a day of anxiety but its hard to listen to you when your not still here holding my hand like you promised you always would. And what if you were still here would you still even care? But it’s like you said “what if, what if didn’t exist.”

4 thoughts on “What if okai wasn’t okai

  1. You sound so young and remind me of myself a bit in my teens. I too spent time exhausting all my energy on a particular person. I too spent time “away” to get better and had to go back to school and face everyone. I spent a long time “getting better” and eventually I did. It takes time to heal wounds and wash away pain. Time just plain old time. I now can look back on devastating life events from my past and they don’t even seem to phase me any more. Have faith, have hope and give it time. It will be ok.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, it’s nice to hear somebody reads my writing and has a point of view of their own. I am giving it time and I too am healing. Life gets better a lot better. I know that now, I just wish I would have known that then but thank you 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I think the process of healing and how long it takes you to get to that point all has to do with when and where you first start breaking. And I find the hardest part of trying to get better is trying to forget you were ever that bad.


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