My biggest fear; Loosing meaning. Laying on my death bed with the realization that I didn’t mean anything. I didn’t build anything or break anything, I just went through life following the rules only to become another head stone in a graveyard of unknown meaningless people with lives that are long forgotten.
But none of this has made me feel any more meaningful. The back of the cop car lacked the since of accomplishment I was seeking. The way you touched me meant nothing to me when that was the only thing we ever seemed to be doing, and the quick exchange of money threw sketchy car windows never brought me any closer to feeling the way I so badly longed to feel. Because the thin lined scars that I was promised would make me feel something never did and for too long I was numb. But the longer I stayed around I realized none of these people had meaning. The scrawny boy in the back just keep telling the same joke over and over while new people walked into his life just to laugh then leave. The girl who wore too many sweaters dyed her hair vibrant colors to hide how meaningless she really felt. And the sketchy kids who lingered in the hallway only felt meaning when popping the new pill on the street.
So I started to wonder if I would ever be meaningful or if I would always be that girl who walked in the room and everybody suddenly knew everything about her. Buts that’s when I found it. Meaning is never hiding, its never something you have to go looking for its right in front of you. Because meaning is your Saturday nights and whether you fall asleep with a smile on your face or surround by doughnuts from the morning before. Meaning is the one thing that separates happy people from sad people. So I found it, not inside of pill bottles or written on the backseat of a cop car, it wasn’t etched on a lighter and I couldn’t steal it from a store.
It was everywhere and no where at the same time. It was the smile after a laugh, and the adrenaline rush of small kisses, it was etched in the bottom of my best friends pool on late summer nights, it was hiding in my dreams, and buried in between the lines of sweet nothings you whispered into my ear. Memory after memory, I realized I had meaning, I had never lost it and I never needed to find it.