My biggest fear; Loosing meaning. Laying on my death bed with the realization that I didn’t mean anything. I didn’t build anything or break anything, I just went through life following the rules only to become another head stone in a graveyard of unknown meaningless people with lives that are long forgotten.
The back of the cop car lacked the sense of accomplishment I was seeking. The way you touched me meant nothing when that was the only thing we ever seemed to be doing, and the quick exchange of money threw sketchy car windows never brought me any closer to feeling the way I so badly longed to feel. The thin lined scars that I was promised would make me feel something never did and for far too long I was numb.
The scrawny boy in the back of the class keeps telling the same joke over and over again hoping somebody will stay long enough to hear the punchline. The girl who only ever wore long sleeves, even in the summer heat, dyed her hair vibrant colors to hide how meaningless she really felt. The sketchy kids who lingered in the hallway only felt something when popping the new pill on the street.
I started to wonder if I would ever feel meaningful or if I would always be that girl who was too easy to read. That’s when I realized Meaning isn’t something that can be found, its not something you have to go looking for, it’s hidden in the most insignificant experiences. Like when you wake up Sunday morning and there’s donuts waiting for you in the kitchen, or when you & your favorite person are cuddled up in bed watching a good movie. Feeling like your life means something is the one thing that separates happy people from sad people. So I found it, not inside of pill bottles or written on the backseat of a cop car, it wasn’t etched on a lighter and I couldn’t steal it from a store.
It was everywhere and no where at the same time. It was the smile after a laugh, and the adrenaline rush of small kisses, it was etched in the bottom of my best friends pool on late summer nights, it was hiding in my dreams, and buried in between the lines of sweet nothings you whispered into my ear. Memory after memory, I realized I had meaning, I had never lost it and I never needed to find it.