self realization

I miss being five years old and I miss trusting people, I miss rolling down a hill and feeling like I was on top of the world, I miss my best friend, I miss never completely understanding everything but still loving all of it at the same time, I miss thinking I would grow up to be some big inspiration, I miss the person I thought I would become, I miss the shadow I chased for ten years.

When you’re a kid you have dreams, aspirations and ideas of who you will grow up to be. And I guess you could say I still am a kid, a teenager with the will to change my life and determine who I become. But when you’re 16 it does not feel that way. When you get to a certain point in your life people look at you as if you are a responsible adult they expect things from you but they won’t say it. They will stare at you waiting for something to happen, for some big change.

I have lived my whole life watching, waiting for my time to step in for a chance to show everyone that I have paid attention and that I am ready for responsibility. I made mistakes, I got caught up in the thought of my myself in the chance to be alive and to feel real and I ignored others, and the way they thought of me. I ran to the finish line thinking it was a race for memories and chances. But driving cars, and walking miles to unknown places, chasing an idea never got me anywhere. I keep telling my self to wait, hold on because life will catch up with the height of your legs.

But people forgot about me, about how I felt and what I needed. Because I am not a sponge and I can not absorb your problems, I have my own.

You are born a certain way in a certain environment and you are taught to grow up and you are given certain privileges and you rely on certain things. But when you become a people person, a shadow chaser, a best friend, a survivor on an eulogy  you loose your environment and you teach your self that anxiety is in the mind, you rely on stars and moons and thoughts of your self you rely on mirrors and leafs and things that will never leave you. You rely on something you will never have to catch up to something already in the grasp of your hand.

Because when I was five I started the never ending journey chasing after my shadow only to find it is a hollowed out version of five year old me. I surrounded myself with people only to be left with a silhouette of who I thought they were, and so I filled it with everything I have. If you do not like me, if you do not like your self then surround your self with things you love, things within your grasp stuff that won’t break or die or leave you. Do not become a shadow chaser or a best friend. Become your self.

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