Making Room for the new

I don’t understand love at all. I was probably two the first time I was able to link the word love with the feeling produced by only close family members. Then around five years old I started making friends and understanding love in a different way, at eighteen I felt love in an even more new way than before, it was fast and felt never ending at the same time. Now that I’m twenty I feel as if I have lost all understanding of the word love. How can it be so different for everybody and in every different relationship? How do you develop the people you love in your mind? I have trouble continuing someone’s story after deciding I love them, even with family my capacity for their development is smaller once I have let them in my heart. It’s the same fear of change that I carry for myself, I don’t ever want to move on from what is now, and what will eventually become the past. I never feel ready for the future so I tend to linger in the oldest identification of everyone around me. unfortunately everyone is changing and I am feeling left behind, not because I haven’t accepted my future self but because I don’t want to leave behind what we used to be. I’m sitting on the toilet right now trying to decide how to make room, where can I fit the identity of my new mom, dad, sister and boyfriend? How can I forget everything while still taking on new information?

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